Starting out in the offline community

While there are great online sources, which you can find in this post, nothing is as good as in person learning. So where do you start? Depending on your area you can find Fetish parties, Munches, conventions, local groups, classes, and sometimes even local "dungeons" or centers where you can have a membership.

In a number of areas you will find that someone hosts public fetish parties. They can range from events put on by a store, to a something put on by a private promoter, or even as an after party for some other function. In most cases, you will be greeted with industrial or house music being spun by a DJ while people drink, socialise, dance, and possibly partake in scenes. Some parties do not serve alcohol, but this is not a common practice from my experience. Due to the alcohol, the environment within parties is not very conducive to finding the right Dom to scene with. Trying to negotiate a scene or playtime with an inebriated partner is ill-advised as. It is also a bad idea to partake in a scene while inebriated, as alcohol not only impacts your decision making skills, but also acts as a blood thinner making injuries more probable. Something to keep in mind before attending a public party, you never know who you might run into. I have heard of people running into old friends, co-workers or bosses, doctors, neighbors, people from church and even family members.

The best thing I have found to start out with is to get out and meet people on neutral grounds. A MUNCH is the perfect place for this, vanilla setting (i.e. a restaurant/public location with non-kink people also around) where a decent number of members from your local community meet once a month. A number of munches gather in a private and reserved section near the back or away from the general population of the rest of the restaurant. This is to allow for a more controlled environment where the “vanilla” population are not able to hear things that might be too much for them. Generally there will be a basic “Welcome to the munch, blah blah blah” and then you get to have a nice dinner out while still being able to engage in conversation with those around you. You might end up around others who are new to things, or you might end up around some who have been in the lifestyle forever. If you get a chance to talk to those who have been around a bit longer, take full advantage of it. These people are normally very helpful to newbies, be it guiding them personally, talking about the local dungeons, or just suggesting groups that might help. After all that fun, they will probably make announcements of various things; groups, what they are, when they meet, and possibly what they are doing that month; special events that might be going on like kinky swap shop; and much more that can help a newbie. If you have more questions about MUNCHES, you can find a more detailed description here. There are various sites out there which are dedicated to helping you find your local MUNCH. The 2 best places I have found are Find A MUNCH and by searching the group's and events on FetLife.

There may be a local dungeon or "education center" in your area. Generally these places are membership based to help offset operational costs. They offer classes, host events, and discussion groups. Most groups and classes are based on a specific topic that can include age range, identity in the lifestyle (Top/Dom/Master or Bottom/Sub/slave), experience level, or specific kinks (edge play, littles, OTK, etc). Events are generally evenings and/or weekends when "most people" are off work.

Conventions in your area may only happen a few times a year at most. Take Florida for example; if you live in the South Florida has Beyond Leather in May and Tampa has FetCon in August. While in other states you can't find any at all. I suggest picking one you want to go to and saving up through the year for it. Take Beyond Leather as an example, it takes place the first weekend in May and then registration opens by late May. If you register when it first opens, you can save $25 - $65. You then have the cost of the hotel room, travel and food while you are there. By spacing the cost out over a year, it makes the cost much less intimidating. There are numerous different events world wide which you can find a list of some at this website, and various others.

Generally, your first time attending most events would be a good chance to walk around and observe different scenes. This could be at a fetish party, education center, or at a dungeon somewhere. By walking around and observing different scenes, you can get an idea about what you may or may not be interested in. It also gives you a chance to understand just how varied and intense some of our kinks can be. Just remember one little thing, your kink may not be my kink and my kink may not be yours.

Overtime you will meet someone who you are interested in playing with, dating, sceneing, or who knows what else. At this point, having those older figures around helps. Talk to others in your community, find out who their former partners are, get references, vet, vet, vet. What is vetting? It is the process of finding out what their reputation is. So X is a great person for doing rope scenes with, but you are discussing wax play. What is their experience and can someone, preferably multiple people, vouch for their ability? If not, you can still do the scene but be careful. Have someone as a “spotter” who knows the specific limits in place and the proper actions should an issue occur. This might not stop a mistake from happening, but it will help with dealing with the after effects.

On the topic of mistakes, they HAPPEN. There is no way around it. NOBODY is perfect and nobody will have a perfect track record. This is a learning experience for most people when they start out, no exceptions. We all fuck up and hopefully learn from it. Not everyone likes to admit this though. What we do pushes boundaries all the time. Sometimes these are physical limits that are individual, other times they are mental or emotional. There is always a risk taken when pushing limits, but if you are aware of these then you can consensually push away. When a mistake happens learn from it so there is less chance of a repeat. Both tops and bottoms can learn from a wax play scene that accidentally burns someone. Tops can learn that maybe you used the wrong candle type, the skin might be too thin there, or maybe heat/wax do not mix with certain medical issues. Bottoms can learn the same things and to look out for them, so in the future if someone goes to do something that might lead to injury it can be stopped.

The offline world is a filled a great variety of avenues to experience whatever might interest you, in such a way that cannot be done over the internet. While the internet can give you a basic understanding of where to start, learning first hand allows for you to experience all that is included in WIITWD (What it is that we do). With so many different options available to you, you have a wide number of options for events to attend. Your local MUNCH will help you find out about all the different options available in your area and hear different opinions about them. Meeting with like minded people offline is an excellent way to build your own confidence in the community as well as your presence. Some people are more likely to remember you and interact with you once they have physically met you. Plus as an added bonus, you can get a feel for the people that you may have previously been in contact with online. This network of people can easily become your go to sources when you have questions.

#beginner #education #fetish