Negotiations, what should be discussed

Negotiation is a basic concept, which you usually hear in a professional setting. According to the dictionary negotiation is the act of 2 or more people having a discussion aimed at reaching an agreement. This is not a word for word definition, but you get the idea. So, how does this apply to fetish dynamics, relationships, scenes, or even just one night stands? The answer is simple. Without knowing what activities, body parts and locations are okay with both parties; you can get into a GIANT mess of problems.

As I have stated, you need to discuss certain things that can impact how activities will happen. These can range from obvious subjects to things you might not realize even exist. I am going to focus on more generalized negotiations rather than the specifics of each dynamic. As this is a basic introduction to negotiations, I am going to focus on scenes and longer term. I wish I could make it a short post, but with how much there is to cover it is slightly impossible. If you do not want to read the whole thing but still want the basic information, please message me and I will break it down into smaller sections to send you privately.

The best place to start out is by finding out what type of scene are you talking about. I suggest this first as it saves a great deal of time to know in advance if someone is not comfortable with the general theme. Taking me for example, if someone approached me asking if I would like to do a rope scene with them I would be ok with finding out more details. If they asked me about doing a needle scene however, I would give them a list of people I know who do those as I am scared of needles. This prevents me from taking up their time when they could be talking to someone who would be willing to do it.

The next thing to talk about is how long you are looking at doing things. Is this a one time deal, a relationship, only at an event, or is this for a long distance dynamic? If one person is expecting a single scene and the other is looking for a long term situation there will be problems. This is where the discussion about more intimate details of an actual longer term dynamic begin to differ slightly. You will still want to follow the basic list of topics that I go into here, but you will need to be a bit more thorough about the discussion and will most likely go back to all of these topics at least once over time as you grow as people.

Once you have found out the length of time, you will most likely have an idea about the location where it will take place. Location can be something as common as a private location, or something as specific as at the Friday night dungeon of a convention. The location can impact the limits of the people involved as well as what venue restrictions might be. For those in a longer term dynamic, you will have a larger range of places available to you for scenes as well as more possible restrictions you will want to discuss. So you are fine with a scene at a party, but what about in the bathroom at said party? The dining room is ok, but maybe not the kitchen in your house. Maybe you have kids in the picture and have to limit which rooms you are sceneing in for their sakes.

Locations can be a limit in itself, but there is a great deal more to limits than that. Limits fit into 2 categories, Hard Limits and Soft Limits. A hard limit is an absolute NO while a soft limit is a place of caution. I will go more into the differences in a later post. Limits of both parties should be respected as crossing that line can be considered a consent violation and also can possibly cause serious harm. Limits can be due to a all around dislike of an action, a discomfort over an action, a physical or health issue, a mental issue, or maybe a restriction based on a relationship. They can be anything, with the most common being: tools used, locations on the body, sexual acts (bodily penetration/oral), specific types of scenes, and many more. If someone says sex is a hard limit but is ok with you spanking them, taking things further and fucking them IS rape. The same can go for other things that are hard limits as well. Just because you do not discuss a specific type of fetish or scene does not mean that it is ok. Serious damage can be done mentally if the other party is not consenting to it. My next post will show examples of the possible damage that can be done and how to do things properly. There will be a larger number of limits to discuss in long term dynamics.

Medical issues and injuries are a big topic that needs to be discussed. If you have someone who has a heart issue and is on blood thinners they can bruise more easily, bleed more, have a slower healing time, and can have a higher sensitivity to pressure cutting off circulation. If you tie someone up and they suffer from nerve issues, you can cause serious pain and possibly cause permanent damage to the nerves. I have a pulled muscle near my shoulder blade, a flogging hitting there with too much force can cause my entire arm on that side to lose feeling as well as severe pain at the site of the injury. If someone is tied up in a position that stretches the limits of their flexibility you can tear a muscle which is extremely painful. These are just a few of the possible problems that can be caused by not talking about medical issues and history.

Now that you have all the basics covered, it is time to start discussing the finer details of the scene. Think of it like you are drawing up an outline of what will take place, what you want out of the scene, what they want out of it, and whatever else you feel is important. Will the scene be just a flogging; or will you also include spanking, bondage, canes, paddles, vibrators, and a blowjob? These finer points can make the difference on how a scene will be approached by both parties. Sometimes you might not really discuss the details as you would like to be surprised and just go with the flow, but you still need to discuss what you are not willing to do and what you both want out of it.

You have you scene planned out, but what if you have something happen and need to stop? This is where safewords come into play. Safewords are the key word or phrase (or movement) that is to be said by either party to stop or slow down a scene. The two most common methods are: “more”, “Stop”/”no”, “i need a break”; or Red, yellow, green. These do not work for all people in all scenes and other options can be discussed. The thing to keep in mind is that you need something which you would not say or do during a scene otherwise, or sometimes in your everyday life. Take someone who is teaching young kids their colors, red would be too common for them in daily life and should the young child be in the house with them it can get REALLY confusing. Just becaue you might use stop or no, does not mean that the person you are scening with uses it. You HAVE TO DISCUSS safewords to prevent any problems from arising. If you have safewords in place, do not ever be ashamed or scared to use them. Both tops and bottoms should use safewords if it is needed. I could make an entire post about safewords, so I am going to leave theses as the important basics you need to know.

You have to realize that there is always a chance for something to go wrong. It may not be something you can control, but you still need to discuss what to do in case of an emergency. Maybe the fire alarm goes off and you have to evacuate the building in the middle of a rope suspension scene, maybe you are using a piece of equipment that was accidentally placed in front of the emergency exit, maybe they didn’t realize they had a blood pressure issue, maybe you used the wrong type of candle for wax play and they now have a burn. How are you going to deal with these problems should they happen? Mistakes and complications happen, how we handle the aftermath is what sets us apart from each other. By talking about the possibility, both parties know what to expect should something come up.

Something most people forget to mention in regards to negotiations is scene preparation. Scene preparation is basically what you need to do to be ready for the scene. This can be getting into the headspace, what to wear, how to dress, gathering of supplies, or even what and when to eat/drink before your scene. What you do to get ready will vary depending on what role you have in the scene, whose tools are being used, what your scene is, and who you are. Maybe you need to have music playing to get you into your headspace, the playlist might differ based on what headspace you are going for. Tops will tend to have basic requirements that they want from their bottom, but it should not be assumed that ALL tops want the same thing. This is why you need to talk it out.

Your scene went GREAT, exactly as planned with no problems. Now what? This is where aftercare comes into play. Aftercare is the personalized, well, care after the scene. Some people might run hot and not want anything draped over them while others might go into chills, some people are cuddlers while others need space, some scenes might need basic medical care, some tops might need a massage for tired sore arm muscles, it is mostly a very personal reaction to the scene and the other person. The only thing I have found that is constant is the need to drink water after, for BOTH parties. The fact that I can only find one common required form of care should show you just how important it is to talk about what you need so that both parties can come to a common ground. The whole point is to be able to ground and find your bearings again and without aftercare you might be higher than that pothead down the street. Trying to drive, cook, or even stand and walk in this state might not be a good idea. Some form of aftercare is a must for everyone.

Generally you will want to contact the other person a few days to a week after the scene. This is so that you have had time to process everything but not enough time that you start to forget details. This conversation should be a discussion about what you liked, didn’t like, what went wrong, what you might want to do different in the future, etc. By talking about these things, you not only will be able to make future scenes between you better, but it will also help both of you to understand how you might approach things with other people a little differently in the future. Every scene is a learning experience and should be treated as such. Even if things went wrong and the scene was a disaster, you still need to find out what was done right and why things went wrong.

As you can see, negotiations is a long drawn out process with a high number of important things to be talked about. Sometimes they can take 20 minutes or less, other times it can be several hours to days long. It all depends on the history and connection between both people, the type of scene, the type of dynamic (one scene vs longer term) and many other factors. Take your time, ask questions, be honest and do not be scared to speak you feelings and you will be fine. As long as both parties are on the same page, that is what truly matters and if you have a strong connection with someone (like I have with my partner) you might not need to verbalize every little detail as they just “get it”. There are some things that need more focus than others and might take longer to talk out. You will also find that with longer term dynamics (be it D/S, M/s, dating or LTR) there are some extra options available to help you streamline this process. I will dedicate an entire post to long term dynamics at a later date, but for now you can always message me and ask for the information.

#beginner #fetish #education